oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
