When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
