Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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