piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
