Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
