batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
