This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
