He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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