she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
we're so committed to being not committed
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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