I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We got so high we made milksteak
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
