My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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