My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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