Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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