I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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