It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
