no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
