Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
