Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
