everyone is single if you try hard enough
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
