Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
