put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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