The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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