I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm sobbing to NWA
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
