He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
