I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
