new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I still have a little drunk in my system
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
