i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
