I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
