My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize