I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
