I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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