I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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