I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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