Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Im part way to drunk.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
