FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i think my mom watched the whole time
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
