I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
