my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So many bounce houses so little time
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
