i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
