Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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