I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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