Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
