I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
