just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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