I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
