when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Randomize
