i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
