I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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