Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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