Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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