I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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