If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
