you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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