I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
