the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
