i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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