Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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