I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
