Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
