I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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