Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
