Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
